Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Coward's guide to creepy crawlies

There are some pretty nasty looking beasties in Korr. 

This little fella (below) was just hanging out below the sink. Haven't a clue what his name is, but he was fast and nasty looking. (That scientific enough for you?)

So how does a soft Englishman conquer the overwhelming tide of beasts (spot the coward's exaggeration)? I thought I'd put it down as a (tongue-in-cheek) system of rules:

1.It would appear that the pit opens just after sunset. All manner of disgusting beasties are released for another night on the town. Therefore, don't go out at night (unless you have to go and watch a Premier League Game on the one big TV in town, or for some other deep spiritual reason). Think you need the toilet in the middle of the night? Think again! (Okay, so I've broken this rule a few times, but the rules should still be the rules)

2.Don't kill one of the huge, ridiculously fast spiders. Apparently if you kill one, more appear. Now, you might think that this rule sounds ri-di-cu-lous BUT I killed one of these fearsome monsters, only to find four more of his mates to turn up within the hour. This happened before I'd even heard of the 'more appear if you kill one' phenomenon. Curious.

3.Ignore rule #2 because those guys are nasty. The grave is where they belong.

4.Check your house for obvious gaps and plug them! If huge hairy beasts are still playing 'chase' in your living room, you need to raise your game. Stem the flow. Putting draught excluders on the doors seems to work a treat.

5.Make the most of the daylight hours. Scott Scorpion, Sammy Spider and Selena Snake are almost never seen during the day, so wake up just before sunrise (like everyone else) and enjoy hours of fun. You are the CHAMPION of the day. A word of caution: I did come across a massive spitting cobra on the way to school and know of a girl bitten by a snake in her house in the early afternoon. Then there was the black mamba spotted during a church service. Rare though.

6.Don't spend tooooo long enjoying your toilet experience. If you can't see a large family of nippy little cockroaches down the choo (toilet), you really aren't looking very hard. Look again. 

7.Do have a large dictionary at hand. Firstly, it makes you look clever AND it can show the crawling beast who is boss of this house (apologies to all crawling beast lovers).   

Followed the rules to the letter? Now, relax in your bug-free environment...  

With all this bug-free time, why not read a cool section of the Bible, like, say, the gospel of John - such a great historical account of the life of Jesus. Here's just a snippet of Jesus speaking in John 15:

11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. 13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.

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